I am learning to accept that I am what might be called a “big girl.”
I am 5’7”. Tall, or at least tall-ish.
I have been on various diets over the past two years. They’ve been effective, to say the least…this morning I put on a size 10 dress I haven’t been able to wear in years. No slimming garments required and it doesn’t resemble a sausage casing in any way. It fits loosely.
However, I never seem to lose poundage anymore. In fact, the harder I try, the heavier I become. And I mean heavier, not larger. If anything, my clothes fit better and better. Despite weighing far more than a woman my height should. We’re talking maybe NFL rookie running back.
But, I think I’m learning to be okay with it and be proud of what I am.
I’m no longer claiming every scale must be broken. I am feeling better and better about my decision, when joining Weight Watchers, not to go to the meetings for weekly weigh-ins and having my progress defined by a number on a scale. Rather, defining it by seeing a pooch disappear. Defining it by shrinking the sizes of my clothes. Defining it by seeing bone structure and sinew reappear.
I am not at my goal yet. My goal is to have the fit physique I had back in the days I’d join Marines for PT --only older and more ‘lived in’. I still consider myself over-fat, but inching closer and closer to where I wish to be. Which is apparently “brick outhouse.”
That being said, I’ve noticed a strange side effect of the War on Obesity.
Obsession with ‘being heavy’ as the cause of all problems and ‘heaviness’ as the result of a diet of bad food.
I first noticed it when I was pregnant. I had gained a lot of weight by partying a little hard before having children. Mea culpa. I didn’t really gain much real weight during my pregnancy. There was the weight of the pregnancy itself and the MASSIVE amount of edema. In one week alone, I gained 17 lbs of water. I had myself on a strict diet during my pregnancy (once the sickness wore off) where I wrote down everything I ate and measured out calories and other nutritional information. I would not let myself eat pizza or other junk foods because I was trying to keep down how much I actually gained during the pregnancy. My OB? Told me I needed to lay off the ice cream because I was becoming a fatty. It’s no wonder I’ve changed practices.
I noticed it again more recently. I went to my GP for a sinus infection. Innocuous enough, right? Nope. As soon as he looked at my chart he told me it was because I was overweight. That what I needed was to lower my cholesterol (it’s 120) and blood pressure (it’s 60/40…apparently ‘none’ is a better measure?) to feel better and that being ‘too heavy’ was apparently a before undiscovered cause of a fever, vomiting, mucus, pain, and high white-cell count. Only because I pushed did I actually get appropriate treatment and consideration. I’m considering changing from there as well.
I do not like where this is going. A world were what a scale says is the sum total of a person’s worth.
Showing posts with label Body Image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Body Image. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Need to Stop Eating Spinach
I’m beginning to believe that my dreams of regaining my svelte, pre-marriage body are nothing but a pipedream.
Because the body I’m uncovering from all that fat? Is never going to fit in a pair of size 4 leather pants again.
I say this because the weight loss is starting to hit some paydirt, despite it’s distance from my goal weight. I looked at my legs and thought I was seeing dirt smears or bruises. Nope, it was the shadowing from cut, toned muscle (it’s been a long, long time…). The disappointment came when I realized I haven’t been able to size down in my pants because of the size of my legs.
*grumple, grumple*
So apparently gone is the slight, ballet-dancing body of my youth and in it’s place is something… sturdier.
It’s looking as if my arms are going in the same direction…I’ve a good bit more to lose there, but like my legs they also do not appear to be shrinking much at all in comparison to other areas of my body. And so, I see myself continuing to have to buy large sizes to fit my oh-so-unfeminine arms into my blouses.
*sigh*
Maybe the new “hot look” will be to be built like Popeye?
Because the body I’m uncovering from all that fat? Is never going to fit in a pair of size 4 leather pants again.
I say this because the weight loss is starting to hit some paydirt, despite it’s distance from my goal weight. I looked at my legs and thought I was seeing dirt smears or bruises. Nope, it was the shadowing from cut, toned muscle (it’s been a long, long time…). The disappointment came when I realized I haven’t been able to size down in my pants because of the size of my legs.
*grumple, grumple*
So apparently gone is the slight, ballet-dancing body of my youth and in it’s place is something… sturdier.
It’s looking as if my arms are going in the same direction…I’ve a good bit more to lose there, but like my legs they also do not appear to be shrinking much at all in comparison to other areas of my body. And so, I see myself continuing to have to buy large sizes to fit my oh-so-unfeminine arms into my blouses.
*sigh*
Maybe the new “hot look” will be to be built like Popeye?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Back to Basics
I’ve been trying something lately.
You see, a few months back, Weight Watchers just stopped working for me. I mean, not only did I stop losing weight. Not only was I still chubby. But eating WW sponsored foods and keeping to my points I began GAINING weight.
So, I’m going back to eating how I did when I was skinny.
I know this alone probably won’t get me to my goal, and definitely won’t have me looking like I did back then (I’m not working out 3 times a day). But it’s a responsible step that DOES seem to be currently working for me. And if it didn’t help me lose weight? Well, it really couldn’t hurt. Nothing about this diet is dangerous.
And I’m not going to be a slave to it either. Because when I was skinny? Well, I didn’t ALWAYS eat like I should…But divergence was usually saved for special occasions. The Thanksgiving Turkey. The Easter Lamb. The Fathers Day Steak and Potato dinner.
After all, the best diets? Allow for the occasional cheeseburger and fries.
You see, a few months back, Weight Watchers just stopped working for me. I mean, not only did I stop losing weight. Not only was I still chubby. But eating WW sponsored foods and keeping to my points I began GAINING weight.
So, I’m going back to eating how I did when I was skinny.
- I’ve rejoined the slow foods movement.
- I have become once more something I call a “Catholic Vegetarian” (because fish doesn’t count as a meat)
- And I’ve begun looking for things that cause my incessant stomach upset and nausea—I think I’ve nailed it down to partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. Because since I stopped eating anything with it? I have stopped feeling sick.
And it’s working. I’ve lost weight. A lot actually in just the last week which I know is probably all water (eating this way has much lower sodium levels). But it’s made me pleased. My wedding band, which was too tight 2 weeks ago, fell off when I was digging in my purse at the store at lunch.
I’ve also stopped counting points, calories, or anything of the like. I’m simply eating better, higher dietary fiber, mostly lower fat/calorie foods by default.I know this alone probably won’t get me to my goal, and definitely won’t have me looking like I did back then (I’m not working out 3 times a day). But it’s a responsible step that DOES seem to be currently working for me. And if it didn’t help me lose weight? Well, it really couldn’t hurt. Nothing about this diet is dangerous.
And I’m not going to be a slave to it either. Because when I was skinny? Well, I didn’t ALWAYS eat like I should…But divergence was usually saved for special occasions. The Thanksgiving Turkey. The Easter Lamb. The Fathers Day Steak and Potato dinner.
After all, the best diets? Allow for the occasional cheeseburger and fries.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Randomness
The Bathroom is almost done. Pictures should be posted soon. Hubby and I finished everything that was necessary to make it functional (it was my project, but he has trouble letting me work on things like that so he inevitably takes over. Not that I’m inept or anything, but he usually knows of a faster way and doesn’t have to mull over how to do it first). I just need to touch up the paint were it was scratched putting in the counter and put back in the window treatments, toilet paper holder and such. An hour of work at the most. But regardless, it is a fully functional bathroom! I’m ready for that baby shower and guests!
************
That’s of course after I clean the house. If you concentrate for 2 weeks on doing a renovation and potty training a child you’d be shocked at how absolutely HORRIBLE your house gets. We need a trip to the dump to get rid of the kabillion boxes and do the deep cleaning I usually do weekly. That hasn’t been done in about 3. Yikes.
************
If you go to the Habitat Restore, try to look poor. We went in looking for deals that we could use to either finish the bathroom or do any of 1,000 other projects we wanted to do.
I found about a dozen boxes of tile that EXACTLY match our corian and formica countertops. We do not have a backsplash, and I’ve been meaning to tile back there but I hadn’t been able to find the patterns and style that would have looked good and done the job best.
And there they were, all marked at a measly $3 a box. SCORE!!!
But when we went up to pay they marked them UP! To $.50/tile! (which was a LOT more than $3/box).
I bought them anyway, because they were what I’ve been searching for over the last 5 years, but I did NOT get the deal of a lifetime. Do not wear t-shirts advertising a Beltway Bandit Corporation or have a kid walking around in designer (albeit, second hand store designer) clothes and a baby leash. It screams “yuppie.”
I will be back though. I saw some potentially beautiful solid wood furniture that needs to be stripped, refinished, and new hardware put on. When Sasha trades in his baby furniture for big kid furniture? I’ll totally be looking at the ReStore, Salvation Army, etc. Because to last thru a childhood, it can’t be laminate MDF and sandpaper and paint go a LONG way to making things look good.
**************
A week ago we mowed over and tilled the strawberry beds. The plants were suffering from the most horrible blight I’d every seen and we figured it best to start over. We had a lovely patch of plain old black dirt when we were done.
Yesterday?Row after row of beautiful green new strawberry plants. What the heck?
***************
I’m totally getting MomMuscles. I was carrying in heavy items (70lbs of dog, cabinets, etc.) with 30+ pounds of kid swinging himself around by hanging on to my back pockets. By the way, WalMart cheapo jeans? Rock and are indestructible.
************
That’s of course after I clean the house. If you concentrate for 2 weeks on doing a renovation and potty training a child you’d be shocked at how absolutely HORRIBLE your house gets. We need a trip to the dump to get rid of the kabillion boxes and do the deep cleaning I usually do weekly. That hasn’t been done in about 3. Yikes.
************
If you go to the Habitat Restore, try to look poor. We went in looking for deals that we could use to either finish the bathroom or do any of 1,000 other projects we wanted to do.
I found about a dozen boxes of tile that EXACTLY match our corian and formica countertops. We do not have a backsplash, and I’ve been meaning to tile back there but I hadn’t been able to find the patterns and style that would have looked good and done the job best.
And there they were, all marked at a measly $3 a box. SCORE!!!
But when we went up to pay they marked them UP! To $.50/tile! (which was a LOT more than $3/box).
I bought them anyway, because they were what I’ve been searching for over the last 5 years, but I did NOT get the deal of a lifetime. Do not wear t-shirts advertising a Beltway Bandit Corporation or have a kid walking around in designer (albeit, second hand store designer) clothes and a baby leash. It screams “yuppie.”
I will be back though. I saw some potentially beautiful solid wood furniture that needs to be stripped, refinished, and new hardware put on. When Sasha trades in his baby furniture for big kid furniture? I’ll totally be looking at the ReStore, Salvation Army, etc. Because to last thru a childhood, it can’t be laminate MDF and sandpaper and paint go a LONG way to making things look good.
**************
A week ago we mowed over and tilled the strawberry beds. The plants were suffering from the most horrible blight I’d every seen and we figured it best to start over. We had a lovely patch of plain old black dirt when we were done.
Yesterday?Row after row of beautiful green new strawberry plants. What the heck?
***************
I’m totally getting MomMuscles. I was carrying in heavy items (70lbs of dog, cabinets, etc.) with 30+ pounds of kid swinging himself around by hanging on to my back pockets. By the way, WalMart cheapo jeans? Rock and are indestructible.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Revokation
Well, it appears that while we know Sasha *CAN* walk, he is still unconvinced and unsure of his abilities so has refrained from a major change in his means of locomotion. He'll do his jaunt across a room each evening, and maybe once during the day, but that's it.
So I guess this is a nice little break before he goes headlong into running. He exhibits the skill often enough we know he can do it and so no need to worry about delays. And yet, it isn't posing us any problems yet.
He is starting to become more clumsy and is doing strange things, so I doubt this'll be a terribly long break.
For one, he's started crawling on his feet, rather than his knees, and looking thru his legs while he moves forward. Naturally, this causes a lot of crashing into things.
The climbing has gotten worse. That's all I'm going to say about that.
He tries to undress whilst cruising. Having pants round ones ankles is not conducive to effective locomotion.
We have gotten into a situation that's a bit of a problem. Sasha and KerryGirl are in a bit of a tiff. She has revoked his 'puppy status' beleiving he's been around long enough to start behaving. He, on the other hand, is still very much a baby and therefore still trying to figure out the way of things. She also is not necessarily seeing him as a human, and therefore above her.
I'm unsure what to do about that. If Sasha were a few years older, I'd give him the job of putting their food dishes out for them, making them 'sit' first. Or having him do refresher training with treats to assert his position. But I can't do that with him yet. So far we've just been working on training with her as normal because we must've become lax, because she's just become a bit much in general.
The Hound, as usual, is fine. She's starting to come out of her little fearful phase the Evil Neighbors threw her into. She'll now play fetch again. That doesn't sound like much, but she was running scared to death when anyone threw anything in her general direction (they threw chunks of concrete at her). Now she's okay with her tennis balls and treats. She's acting afraid of Kerry too, but given the terriers "full of herself" phase we're enduring, and Hound still being fairly fearful, it's no wonder. I don't mind one being submissive to the other, but there's a difference between submission and cowering. She's also avoiding us less. She's come in from the yard due to excessive heat and out from her various "dens" in the house and soliciting pets and play. Good forward progress.
Speaking of progress. I lost 1lb in the past week on WW. One measly pound---but it's progress I guess.
So I guess this is a nice little break before he goes headlong into running. He exhibits the skill often enough we know he can do it and so no need to worry about delays. And yet, it isn't posing us any problems yet.
He is starting to become more clumsy and is doing strange things, so I doubt this'll be a terribly long break.
For one, he's started crawling on his feet, rather than his knees, and looking thru his legs while he moves forward. Naturally, this causes a lot of crashing into things.
The climbing has gotten worse. That's all I'm going to say about that.
He tries to undress whilst cruising. Having pants round ones ankles is not conducive to effective locomotion.
We have gotten into a situation that's a bit of a problem. Sasha and KerryGirl are in a bit of a tiff. She has revoked his 'puppy status' beleiving he's been around long enough to start behaving. He, on the other hand, is still very much a baby and therefore still trying to figure out the way of things. She also is not necessarily seeing him as a human, and therefore above her.
I'm unsure what to do about that. If Sasha were a few years older, I'd give him the job of putting their food dishes out for them, making them 'sit' first. Or having him do refresher training with treats to assert his position. But I can't do that with him yet. So far we've just been working on training with her as normal because we must've become lax, because she's just become a bit much in general.
The Hound, as usual, is fine. She's starting to come out of her little fearful phase the Evil Neighbors threw her into. She'll now play fetch again. That doesn't sound like much, but she was running scared to death when anyone threw anything in her general direction (they threw chunks of concrete at her). Now she's okay with her tennis balls and treats. She's acting afraid of Kerry too, but given the terriers "full of herself" phase we're enduring, and Hound still being fairly fearful, it's no wonder. I don't mind one being submissive to the other, but there's a difference between submission and cowering. She's also avoiding us less. She's come in from the yard due to excessive heat and out from her various "dens" in the house and soliciting pets and play. Good forward progress.
Speaking of progress. I lost 1lb in the past week on WW. One measly pound---but it's progress I guess.
Monday, June 2, 2008
The baby gave me another of his viruses (I swear...is daycare some sort of petri dish? Should I expect an onslaught of Ebola or Andromeda?). Again, it doesn't seem to affect him hardly at all...but I felt miserable yesterday when I caught it.
Today's still no picnic, but at least I look good. A little shopping spree with gift cards and a few hours at Hair Cuttery have me back in my Molly Ringwald hairdo and non-ratty, non-maternity, properly fitting clothes.
And I put on makeup too.
But may I digress a moment to complain about clothing size? How come, in a single store I can pick up one pair of pants that’s a size 8 and it fits (I know it runs huge, but it gave me warm fuzzies). And pick up a 14 in another brand and it's way too small? I mean, it's no wonder women have body image issues. If I had been duped into thinking I needed to buy an 18 (I'm not kidding) to fit in a pair of pants I would have probably sunk into a depression. Thankfully, I tried the 8 on first and so knew that it wasn't me...it was the pants. Women's clothing manufacturers need to get together and just do what they've been doing in men's clothing forever...just size things by how many inches around or long they are and be done.
It's nice to start feeling myself again. And feeling pretty.
As for Sasha…anyone know what to do with a kid who packs his mouth too full of food? Is there something you can do to slow them down?
Today's still no picnic, but at least I look good. A little shopping spree with gift cards and a few hours at Hair Cuttery have me back in my Molly Ringwald hairdo and non-ratty, non-maternity, properly fitting clothes.
And I put on makeup too.
But may I digress a moment to complain about clothing size? How come, in a single store I can pick up one pair of pants that’s a size 8 and it fits (I know it runs huge, but it gave me warm fuzzies). And pick up a 14 in another brand and it's way too small? I mean, it's no wonder women have body image issues. If I had been duped into thinking I needed to buy an 18 (I'm not kidding) to fit in a pair of pants I would have probably sunk into a depression. Thankfully, I tried the 8 on first and so knew that it wasn't me...it was the pants. Women's clothing manufacturers need to get together and just do what they've been doing in men's clothing forever...just size things by how many inches around or long they are and be done.
It's nice to start feeling myself again. And feeling pretty.
As for Sasha…anyone know what to do with a kid who packs his mouth too full of food? Is there something you can do to slow them down?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
My Blood's Got an Ice Cream Content
Life has become more fun as we actually never slept at all last night.
I think this must be another Fussy Period. Teething remedies do nothing, he's eaten well, he has no fever...
The really BAD part usually only lasts at most a week. This means we're halfway thru.
I'd be the walking dead this week if it weren't for SEVERAL Birthday Clubs giving me
Freebies and keeping me fueled with vast quantities of sugar.
Yippee for sugar!
I've been trying to lose the extra 40 lbs I'm carrying, but I can handle occasional setbacks like this. Special occasions are just that and I need treats to raise my spirits when things are getting difficult (and thus I've just solved the mystery of why I'm fat...). I've been making progress though so it shouldn't be too bad.
And maybe one day I can be back to the way I was when we got married--skinny, toned, and actually "kempt" looking. That last part I could do better on. I just need to get my hair done more often than every 6 months.
I think this must be another Fussy Period. Teething remedies do nothing, he's eaten well, he has no fever...
The really BAD part usually only lasts at most a week. This means we're halfway thru.
I'd be the walking dead this week if it weren't for SEVERAL Birthday Clubs giving me
Freebies and keeping me fueled with vast quantities of sugar.
Yippee for sugar!
I've been trying to lose the extra 40 lbs I'm carrying, but I can handle occasional setbacks like this. Special occasions are just that and I need treats to raise my spirits when things are getting difficult (and thus I've just solved the mystery of why I'm fat...). I've been making progress though so it shouldn't be too bad.
And maybe one day I can be back to the way I was when we got married--skinny, toned, and actually "kempt" looking. That last part I could do better on. I just need to get my hair done more often than every 6 months.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Learning Curves
Despite having a few nights now of decent sleep (which for me means 5-6 hours of uninterrupted rest) I'm feeling awful today. The sleepiness is worse than it was over the weekend when we had NO sleep.
And it's having the usual effects I get from severe sleep deprivation, like the arrhythmia. I think poor Hubby is going to spend the evening with CrankyMommy.
Despite that, I've decided to start early on my Resolutions about diet and health. I have begun a food and exercise diary and as usual am dismayed that I am as chunky as I am. I am being completely honest with myself and while it shows I should be a walking toothpick with bulging muscles, things are what they are. I'm a chubby person who depending on the day, can jog several miles while holding a conversation or get winded walking to the bathroom.
And I cant even blame my thyroid.
But I think this is a good step. No actual dieting, just keeping account of what is really happening, so I know where I stand and can do what's necessary to improve my general nutrition.
Hubby is leaving to pick up Sasha soon. I'm hoping for better reports. I tried to help out the daycare by a)giving them the schedule he tends to follow, b)packing his food together so they actually feed him his whole lunch, c) giving them bottles 1 per scheduled "nursing" with
premeasured amounts divvied, d)reminding them of his allergies and sensitivities (and therefore need to use his own products), e) dropping him off *with* his taggie so he can be more soothed, f) telling them he's having a teething issue predosing him with Tylenol prior to dropping him off and telling them where the orajel is so they can give him releif throughout the day.
I know he won't be really happy there till he gets used to it, but there are things that can make it worse--like being hungry or itching like mad. Maybe if I help all those, he'll be better able to cope.
Hubby's not too happy with the daycare, but I really feel it's a learning process. They need to get used to him and his needs and his differences from the other babies. We need to get used to doing things in a way that will help get Sasha optimal care by making that the easiest path for the daycare workers. Sasha just needs to get used to those people so they aren't scary strangers anymore. Right now, we're used to dealing with my Mom which is totally different from complete strangers who don't know our kid. And he didn't see what the other options were. No one place is perfect, but this place seems like it will be once both us, Sasha, and they all get into a nice little groove.
The others scared me.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Emotional Leeches
I’m a little drained today, for many reasons.
But not the usual. Sasha slept through the night. I think it was just too hot so that kept him conked out.
For one, it is official today that Sasha is not someone’s big brother just yet. Not that we thought I was pregnant, but I just never felt safe in that I was without regular proof.
For two, KerryGirl’s health has me in fits again. No, it’s not HGE/IBD again. That, thankfully, seems in remission. She stole a loaf of bread and ate it without any issues but some bad gas. It’s what we thought was a tiny fatty cyst she’s just always had. Recently it had gone from pinhead to noticeable (but still very small) so I had decided to get it removed. We went to her vet yesterday for our regular appointment and they did a quick needle biopsy just to check. On first glance it did look it was just the fatty cyst we believed it to be. Under the microscope though it looked as if it could be cancerous.
She’s having it removed the 22nd. Then it’ll go to a pathologist and we’ll see. We’ve already decided the treatment we’ll do. No chemo or radiation. Her insurance won’t cover anything related to that particular bump, we can’t afford it on our own, and with her poor health we don’t expect she’d thrive under treatment anyway. Our plan is to shore up the rest of her health and make her time with us as comfortable as possible.
For three, Mom is making me insane. She and I are very different people in how we prioritize or think is important. Mom is very concerned with the appearance of things. I, not so much. For example, I know I’m a little overweight right now. I was before I got pregnant and I’m right back to that. However, dieting is not really in the cards for me at this point. I’ve tried to use Weight Watchers and even with the extra points for breastfeeding and such I found my milk drying up and myself fighting chronic dizziness. So, I’m waiting till Sasha is weaned and I’ll go do it again. In the meanwhile, I eat very healthy, whole, organic foods and get lots of exercise. I can be a little chubby for a while longer if it means Sasha gets what he needs. I’ve spoken with my doctors and they agree it’s best to just hold off a few more months and try it again when it won’t stress my body so much. But she is constantly pressuring me to diet and telling me how I’m overweight and such. That’s just mean-spirited.
But I keep reminding myself the ONLY time she didn't think I needed to diet was when I only was eating one meal a day (maybe), purging, and you could see my ribs through my breasts. I keep reminding myself that she compares my sizes to those of my much younger sister or those of herself (as she remembers anyway) when she was 19 or 20. Nevermind I'm in my 30s, have an infant, and am a good bit taller than the both of them (4 inches for Mom, 10 for Sister). I should be bigger and have no business being in the Petites department. My inability to fit in size {anysize}P pants has nothing to do with having a big butt.
She also is insistent about how I need to “get rid” of my dogs because of the danger they pose to Sasha. Well, it looks like she may be getting her wish partially fulfilled in the near future, but she can never give me a good reason why they are a danger. She first insisted that they were an allergy problem. Then studies came out saying a little dander was good for kids and KerryGirl is hypoallergenic and the Hound has only a sparse single-coat. We only have a “little” dander. No weight to that argument. Then she was insistent that they’d probably bite from jealousy when he came home. Just wait, I’d see. But it didn’t happen. Instead, they became protective and helpful. Then she said it’d happen the first time he did something that hurt them…pulled hair, poked nose, etc. But even then, nothing. But she won’t let up. It’s like she’s not happy that I’m making it work so easily because she never bothered to try (she 'got rid' of her dogs shortly after I was born). And so she’s got sour grapes. Plus her concepts of dogs and their behavior is a bit…misinformed? Making things worse. Me, I beleive in adopting the dogs that I took on the responsibility of their care and to give them as good a life as is possible and reasonable. Not only for when it was convenient, but for always. The pups are in my Will.
I’m just so tired.
But not the usual. Sasha slept through the night. I think it was just too hot so that kept him conked out.
For one, it is official today that Sasha is not someone’s big brother just yet. Not that we thought I was pregnant, but I just never felt safe in that I was without regular proof.
For two, KerryGirl’s health has me in fits again. No, it’s not HGE/IBD again. That, thankfully, seems in remission. She stole a loaf of bread and ate it without any issues but some bad gas. It’s what we thought was a tiny fatty cyst she’s just always had. Recently it had gone from pinhead to noticeable (but still very small) so I had decided to get it removed. We went to her vet yesterday for our regular appointment and they did a quick needle biopsy just to check. On first glance it did look it was just the fatty cyst we believed it to be. Under the microscope though it looked as if it could be cancerous.
She’s having it removed the 22nd. Then it’ll go to a pathologist and we’ll see. We’ve already decided the treatment we’ll do. No chemo or radiation. Her insurance won’t cover anything related to that particular bump, we can’t afford it on our own, and with her poor health we don’t expect she’d thrive under treatment anyway. Our plan is to shore up the rest of her health and make her time with us as comfortable as possible.
For three, Mom is making me insane. She and I are very different people in how we prioritize or think is important. Mom is very concerned with the appearance of things. I, not so much. For example, I know I’m a little overweight right now. I was before I got pregnant and I’m right back to that. However, dieting is not really in the cards for me at this point. I’ve tried to use Weight Watchers and even with the extra points for breastfeeding and such I found my milk drying up and myself fighting chronic dizziness. So, I’m waiting till Sasha is weaned and I’ll go do it again. In the meanwhile, I eat very healthy, whole, organic foods and get lots of exercise. I can be a little chubby for a while longer if it means Sasha gets what he needs. I’ve spoken with my doctors and they agree it’s best to just hold off a few more months and try it again when it won’t stress my body so much. But she is constantly pressuring me to diet and telling me how I’m overweight and such. That’s just mean-spirited.
But I keep reminding myself the ONLY time she didn't think I needed to diet was when I only was eating one meal a day (maybe), purging, and you could see my ribs through my breasts. I keep reminding myself that she compares my sizes to those of my much younger sister or those of herself (as she remembers anyway) when she was 19 or 20. Nevermind I'm in my 30s, have an infant, and am a good bit taller than the both of them (4 inches for Mom, 10 for Sister). I should be bigger and have no business being in the Petites department. My inability to fit in size {anysize}P pants has nothing to do with having a big butt.
She also is insistent about how I need to “get rid” of my dogs because of the danger they pose to Sasha. Well, it looks like she may be getting her wish partially fulfilled in the near future, but she can never give me a good reason why they are a danger. She first insisted that they were an allergy problem. Then studies came out saying a little dander was good for kids and KerryGirl is hypoallergenic and the Hound has only a sparse single-coat. We only have a “little” dander. No weight to that argument. Then she was insistent that they’d probably bite from jealousy when he came home. Just wait, I’d see. But it didn’t happen. Instead, they became protective and helpful. Then she said it’d happen the first time he did something that hurt them…pulled hair, poked nose, etc. But even then, nothing. But she won’t let up. It’s like she’s not happy that I’m making it work so easily because she never bothered to try (she 'got rid' of her dogs shortly after I was born). And so she’s got sour grapes. Plus her concepts of dogs and their behavior is a bit…misinformed? Making things worse. Me, I beleive in adopting the dogs that I took on the responsibility of their care and to give them as good a life as is possible and reasonable. Not only for when it was convenient, but for always. The pups are in my Will.
I’m just so tired.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year, New You
Today is New Years, Happy New Year to everyone out there.
This year sure was different from past ones for us. But all in a good way.
I remember several years ago being incredibly unhappy and feeling the need to ditch everything and start over from scratch. All vestiges of that life seem to be gone now, finally. While my lifeplan I made, isn't exactly what I'm doing now, it is a version of that.
This year my resolutions are going to be much simpler.
1)write down all the recipes I make up in my blog. That way I can make them again later, unlike before.
2)Stop breastfeeding at some point. I figure this'll resolve itself since I've basically given myself till Sasha is 1 1/2 years old with this one. Really, I want my old boobs back. This 34D thing stinks. They're too big.
3) Once I stop breastfeeding, rejoin Weight Watchers. I tried it earlier and--even with the extra points--my milk kept drying up and I had frequent dizzy spells. My goal is to be in BETTER shape than I was pre-baby. Actually, the body I had when my life was a mess is what I want. I'm in very similar shape to what I was just before I got pregnant right now. It's not that great.
4) Send one completed manuscript out to publishers. Even if it is "Naughty Puppy". It's something.
Our celebration was quite tame. We ordered pizzas and drank alcohol-removed champagne. Sasha passed out by 7:45 and slept 12 hours straight. We were in bed by 11.
This year sure was different from past ones for us. But all in a good way.
I remember several years ago being incredibly unhappy and feeling the need to ditch everything and start over from scratch. All vestiges of that life seem to be gone now, finally. While my lifeplan I made, isn't exactly what I'm doing now, it is a version of that.
This year my resolutions are going to be much simpler.
1)write down all the recipes I make up in my blog. That way I can make them again later, unlike before.
2)Stop breastfeeding at some point. I figure this'll resolve itself since I've basically given myself till Sasha is 1 1/2 years old with this one. Really, I want my old boobs back. This 34D thing stinks. They're too big.
3) Once I stop breastfeeding, rejoin Weight Watchers. I tried it earlier and--even with the extra points--my milk kept drying up and I had frequent dizzy spells. My goal is to be in BETTER shape than I was pre-baby. Actually, the body I had when my life was a mess is what I want. I'm in very similar shape to what I was just before I got pregnant right now. It's not that great.
4) Send one completed manuscript out to publishers. Even if it is "Naughty Puppy". It's something.
Our celebration was quite tame. We ordered pizzas and drank alcohol-removed champagne. Sasha passed out by 7:45 and slept 12 hours straight. We were in bed by 11.
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