Friday, April 16, 2010

More Venus Williams than Venus de Milo

I am learning to accept that I am what might be called a “big girl.”
I am 5’7”. Tall, or at least tall-ish.
I have been on various diets over the past two years. They’ve been effective, to say the least…this morning I put on a size 10 dress I haven’t been able to wear in years. No slimming garments required and it doesn’t resemble a sausage casing in any way. It fits loosely.
However, I never seem to lose poundage anymore. In fact, the harder I try, the heavier I become. And I mean heavier, not larger. If anything, my clothes fit better and better. Despite weighing far more than a woman my height should. We’re talking maybe NFL rookie running back.
But, I think I’m learning to be okay with it and be proud of what I am.
I’m no longer claiming every scale must be broken. I am feeling better and better about my decision, when joining Weight Watchers, not to go to the meetings for weekly weigh-ins and having my progress defined by a number on a scale. Rather, defining it by seeing a pooch disappear. Defining it by shrinking the sizes of my clothes. Defining it by seeing bone structure and sinew reappear.
I am not at my goal yet. My goal is to have the fit physique I had back in the days I’d join Marines for PT --only older and more ‘lived in’. I still consider myself over-fat, but inching closer and closer to where I wish to be. Which is apparently “brick outhouse.”
That being said, I’ve noticed a strange side effect of the War on Obesity.
Obsession with ‘being heavy’ as the cause of all problems and ‘heaviness’ as the result of a diet of bad food.
I first noticed it when I was pregnant. I had gained a lot of weight by partying a little hard before having children. Mea culpa. I didn’t really gain much real weight during my pregnancy. There was the weight of the pregnancy itself and the MASSIVE amount of edema. In one week alone, I gained 17 lbs of water. I had myself on a strict diet during my pregnancy (once the sickness wore off) where I wrote down everything I ate and measured out calories and other nutritional information. I would not let myself eat pizza or other junk foods because I was trying to keep down how much I actually gained during the pregnancy. My OB? Told me I needed to lay off the ice cream because I was becoming a fatty. It’s no wonder I’ve changed practices.
I noticed it again more recently. I went to my GP for a sinus infection. Innocuous enough, right? Nope. As soon as he looked at my chart he told me it was because I was overweight. That what I needed was to lower my cholesterol (it’s 120) and blood pressure (it’s 60/40…apparently ‘none’ is a better measure?) to feel better and that being ‘too heavy’ was apparently a before undiscovered cause of a fever, vomiting, mucus, pain, and high white-cell count. Only because I pushed did I actually get appropriate treatment and consideration. I’m considering changing from there as well.
I do not like where this is going. A world were what a scale says is the sum total of a person’s worth.

1 comment:

caramama said...

And what about when I was thin and healthy and still getting sinus infections? What would have been the cause then? How about INFECTION in the SINUSES?!?!

I think the focus on the number on the scale is all wrong. The focus should be on eating and living healthy, getting exercise, taking care of yourself, and feeling good about how you look and your health. I love that you are concentrating on what really matters! I am starting to figure out what I need to do to get back into an exercise routine. I think I'll feel so much better once I do, even though my number on the scale is not bad.