Truant

Life has taken me away from personal persuits on the internet. Perhaps I should have kept it up. Probably it would have been something of a therapy. But I pulled away instead.

Things started with me losing my job.

Then "Brody" was diagnosed with heart defects (atrial septal defects, valve stenosis, and cor triatriatum).

Then the dogs have gone downhill.

Now my father seems to be ill.

I don't hardly sleep anymore.

The job situation seems to be improving. Today I begin part time with a small company who knows my situation and is willing to work around my scheduling issues with "Brody" and his medical care. When all is expected to be finished, the plan is to hire me full time. This really is a mitzvah and I am so grateful for it.

We are working through the pre-surgical hoops with "Brody". This means a lot of appointments and calls to harrass the insurance into paying out what they are supposed to. I have called the cardiologist's office I don't even know how many times to fix things. The good news that, as of right now, they expect to be able to fix everything in a single surgery, be fine in a month, and never have any restrictions or issues again. The bad news is I have to have my baby go to open heart surgery for him to have a normal life.

The dogs--I feel like a callous witch when it comes to them. I can't find the room in my heart to care too much with everything else going on. They are just pets. One is old and has been sick from the day we got her. The other has injured herself beyond repair be being the same insane creature she has always been. I'm actually looking forward to the day I don't have to deal with their needs anymore. Vacations will be simple and less expensive. The daily routine freer. The house cleaner.

My father, well we're waiting to see what is up. I am praying that he is really fine and this is a false alarm.

As for Sasha, he has been well as always and a normal healthy preschooler who isn't going to preschool (we can't afford it). I've been doing his homeschooling and he has playdates so he's been pretty happy with the current state of affairs.

Thoughts

When I found I was pregnant that was one thing that saddened me. I had just started to fit in clothes that had been sitting unused in the back of the closet the past 5 years. Beautiful, fitted, and in single digit sizes. I believed that in my battle with my weight this was another case of one step forward, two steps back.

Thanks to hyperemesis, some of them are now fitting loosely as early maternity wear (not the extremely fitted blouses, but most anything else). And oh, I’m showing with great obviousness--I never was one who carried small--So it’s not just because it’s so early that I wouldn’t be changing wardrobes yet.

I’ve just lost that much weight.

Funny how I can work for years to try and lose it and be frustrated beyond all belief. And then it waits to drop off when it’s bad for me to be losing weight.

Ah well. The drop seems to have stopped, so that’s good.

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I want to give thanks for having such a lovely husband.

During this time of great annoyance he has been wonderful. He’s taken over pretty much everything and done it with grace.

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I’m not sure where Sasha stands in all of this.

I ask him about siblings or start a conversation about Mommy having a baby and he just looks at me, holds my face in his hands, and with a look of total seriousness says:

“Mommy, I need a snack.”

But then, that’s his answer to everything lately. So he has been something of a sphinx about anything but his thoughts on food.