Pause

It’s a bit of an awkward time right now. It’s a time of waiting. A time of “not quite”. A time of ill-fitting.

We wait to see if I go to work Monday. Part of me does not so secretly wish the government shuts down—if only for a day or two. I’m tired and need some time off.

Next week my Husband goes to his final interviews for his fellowship. The one we’re not even sure he can take if he gets it. And the one we’re pretty sure he’ll get (they’re down to the top 50 and there are 30 slots). While it would be wonderful for his career and education, it would put us in a bind for a year. His pay would be decreased. He’d lose his benefits (which we NEED). Daycare/preschool would no longer be conveniently located. And he’d have no leave available. Never mind the purely annoyance factor that they don’t withhold taxes so I’d have to do the figuring and payments to the government myself.

My mother has gone about trying to secure herself a mini-van so she could take care of Sasha, and his as yet hypothetical siblings. Despite the fact that she doesn’t currently take care of Sasha and he has no siblings. Despite the fact that we moved him to his current place because we needed someone to watch him every day, which she can’t do and her scheduling demands make it impossible to find gap care or maintain a full-time job. Me, I’ve got a referral to a genetics and IVF clinic (more for the genetics than the IVF) so you can see how I also find this a bit overly optimistic on her part. But in spite of it all, she moves forward as if it’s a done deal that it’s going to happen. Planning for children that aren’t and a situation that isn’t.

I feel like I’m waiting for life to happen and everyone else is making plans.